Friday Night Blog: Credo

I believe...

...that belief in God and Darwinism needn't be mutually exclusive. After all, who's to say that God didn't click his fingers, and, ta-dah!, Big Bang? Of course, the whole Adam and Eve, and dinosaur-denial thing is bollocks, so maybe we should still hunt down Creationists and make them suffer.

...that selfishness is the only sin. Iain M. Banks wrote that in one of his books, and the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. You only sin when you put yourself and your needs in front of evryone else's. Be nice to everybody and we'll all get along nicely.

...we're closer to living a "heathen" lifestyle than we ever have in the last 2000 years. We don't believe in God until we want something and then we'll pray like buggery. Why not call God, Odin, or Thor, or Loki, and have done with it. Plus we all then get to believe in Valhalla and when we die, we have a big party with lots of food and drink and sex. Result.

...that the more stupid you are, the louder you have to talk.

...the world would be a lot better off without people in it. Fears of Global Warming aren't about saving the planet, they're about saving our (generally) worthless arses. The planet will reset itself when we're gone, and the cockroaches will take over.

...we are all geeks. Everyone is a fanatic about something. It annoys me to be called a geek (in a disparaging way) when I know all about Star Wars or Knight Rider or whatever. Hey, you, Mr. Hardcore Football Fan! You know who scored the winning goal in the 1992 FA Cup? How many caps Steven Gerrard has for England? You do? Oh. Guess what? You're a geek!

...sometimes I touch.

...that Peppa Pig is probably the greatest body of animation work produced this century. It has a clarity, a simplicity and a soul that a lot of other children's (and adults') TV is sadly missing. A whole range of emotions can be conveyed in just a narrowing of Peppa's eyes, or a tilt of Daddy Pig's head. Genius.

...pop music is underrated and sneered at by those who think they know better. Pop is popular - of the people, by the people, for the people. That doesn't mean we have to accept the pap forced upon us by shows like The X Factor. In the eighties, pop encompassed everything from Echo and the Bunnymen through to Fields of the Nephalim, to Phil Collins and out to Samantha Fox. It was diverse and eclectic, and we didn't all have to sit in little boxes.

...that eating implements made out of wood are the work of the devil. Chip forks, lolly sticks and ice-cream spoons should all be piled up and set ablaze.

50 Questions

I've been tagged and am now tagging you! Copy and paste these questions on your own "note," replacing my answers with yours, then tag 25 people to do the same thing. Remember to tag me back so I can see your answers!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? There was an actor called Craig Stevens, I think he was in he original Dragnet TV show. Apparently my mum just liked the sound of it.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? When I had conjunctivitis a few weeks ao and got really fed up.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? It's OK.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Pastrami.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yep, one son.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I think so.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Only if there's a 'y' in the day.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Never. Unless you were going to pay me lots of money. At least £10,000.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Crunchy Nut Cornflakes.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Nearly always.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Pistachio.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their face.

15. RED OR PINK? Red. But pink latex. ;)

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My ability to get distracted easily.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My sister, Fiona.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST? Couldn't be bothered to read everyone's. Just a select few!

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Um, I'm in my PJs at the moment. They're grey, if you're interested.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The Backyardigans

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Green

23. FAVORITE SMELL? Roast Chicken

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO? My son, Joseph.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yes, he's OK. ;)

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Tennis.

27. HAIR COLOUR? Blonde.

28. EYE COLOR? Blue.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No.

30. FAVOURITE FOOD? Roast chicken and rice.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Watchmen

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Grey. I told you already.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Both, as long as it's sunny.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Kisses.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Nigel Slater's Trifle.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Laura.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Most other people.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Hyperion by Dan Simmons.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Don't have one, I use a MacBook.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Nothing, I was out at Harlow's stock-take all night.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S)? Joseph's laugh.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? The Stones if pushed. Not too fussed about either, really. I prefer The Kinks.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Iraq when I was 8.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I can wobble my eyes from side to side really quickly.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Chatham in Kent.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Anyone's!

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR CURRENT PARTNER? Sometime in the first year of uni in Swansea.

49. IS THE CUP HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY? Depends on what's in it.

50. IF YOU COULD SIT DOWN TO DINNER WITH FIVE PEOPLE WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE? Nigel Slater (as long as he'd cooked), Jean Michel Jarre, Jim Henson, Davina McCall, Kylie Minogue.

10 Random Songs

So here's what you do. Fire up your iPod or iTunes (other music players/programs are available), and set it to Shuffle Songs from your entire library (no cheating by choosing a cool playlists). Then you have to list the first ten songs that come up, who they're by and what album they're from. No skipping! Then just write a few lines about that song - if you like it, any memories attached to it... And then post it and tag some friends!

1. "Je Sais Pas" by Céline Dion from D'eux - Great start... In my defence, it's my wife's album, but it is probably the only credible album Céline Dion's done, and this song ain't too bad. Don't feel the need to skip on...

2. "Satin Chic" By Goldfrapp from Supernature - That's a bit better! A nice glam pop song with a honky tonky piano. Not as good as some of their other stuff, but nice enough.

3. "Dream Of Me" by Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark from The OMD Singles - A track from a compilation album. Quite good, but not as good as the singles.

4. "Knight Rider 2000" by Jan Hammer from Drive - The very cool theme from the Knight Rider 2000 TV movie from the guy who did the Miami Vice music. Not as cool as the original Knight Rider but cool nonetheless. In a jazzy, piano bar kind of way.

5. "Snow Cherries from France" by Tori Amos from Tales of a Librarian - Tori doing her thing. Unremarkable but quite nice. (Ugh. I have a bland music library from this little selection...)

6. "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses" by U2 from Achtung Baby - That's better. A great track from an excellent album. Reminds me of being in a Youth Hostel in Orange County, California, eating cheese left over from a ploughman's and chips at the English Pub down the road. This was one of the CDs left in the hostel. I listened and loved.

7. "Without You I'm Nothing" by Placebo from Without You I'm Nothing - Ah, a bit of pre-millennial angst. Nice. Goes on a bit though...

8. "Spies" by Coldplay from Parachutes - Don't know how this got on here.... Music to fall asleep to....

9. "Strange But True" by Prince (for arguments sake) from Rave Un2 The Joy Fantastic - Nice little funky track from one of the purple one's less successful albums.

10. "Halloween" by Kirsty MacColl from From Croydon to Cuba... An Anthology - Ah, the sorely missed Miss MacColl. She had some great songs, and I don't remember hearing this one before.

Friday-Night Blog: Hmmm.

Well, I've got myself into this mess, now I'd better think of something to write. I could go on about the final episode of Battlestar Galactica and how it totally rocked, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about how frakkin' awesome it was, but that would risk alienating everyone who doesn't give a toss... All I can say is I hope the people who make Lost watched it and were making notes of how to not suck. We can but hope...

So, what shall I write about? I made some granola today. Yep. That's exciting and sure to get everyone commenting in their droves. Actually, it's become a bit weird now that I know people are reading this - I don't know if that means I've changed the way I write, or what I write, but it's strange to think that I'm not just blogging to the wall, so to speak. It's nice that people are reading it, but also a little bit scary.

Would quite like to see Monsters vs. Aliens. Looks almost as good as a Pixar movie, and quite funny. It'd be good to see it in 3D, but that would involve a trip to the Big Smoke (which I'd like, but at about £15 for a train ticket these days, it'd work out at quite pricey trip.

Sorry, but that's all I've got at the moment. I'll try and do better for next week. If you're watching on Facebook, please become a fan. Thank you.

Dr. Horrible' Sing-Along Blog

Right, read this, and then get your ass over to Dr. Horrible to see Joss Whedon's latest meisterwerk before it's too late (Sunday July 20th, to be precise). To while away the hours while there was a writers' strike on, Joss threw together this internet only (for the time being) musical supervillan story for US! Yes, You! So get over there and watch it. Buy the T-shirt, and quit moaning!

Back in Business!

The kinkyMachine is back!  Yes, I've got a brand new MacBook, and I'm gonna use it (for good and possibly for naughty, but probably not for evil.  That'd be wrong.)

It's soooooo cool!  I mean, my old iBook (500MHz Power PC) was about 6 years old, and compared to that, this new MacBook (2.2 GHz Core 2 Duo) is like hot poo!  Everything's so quick, from something simple like System Preferences, to the speed it took to import umpteen thousand photos into iPhoto (which is so much better than the older version I was using).

And the built-in Bluetooth actually works with my RAZR, so that's an added bonus.

Plus, I managed to set up a wireless network without even really trying.  Still not sure how I did it...

Plus Photo Booth is a laff!

Aargh!

Sorry everyone, but my iBook has finally died! I'm writing this at an Apple Store, so I've gotta be brief. If there are no more updates for a while, or you don't get emails from me then that's the reason. I'll try to be back ASAP!

Why can't things just work?

Time for a Dilbert-style "Gaaa!" I got a new mobile phone for Christmas - a Motorola V3 RAZR, mainly because my old Nokia was just embarrassing, a camera phone would come in handy every now and then and because I really wanted the theme to Battle of the Planets as my ringtone. So I thought, OK this phone looks good, it does MP3 ringtones, Bob's your uncle.

So I got the phone and thought, I'll just hook it up to my iBook with a USB cable, and transfer the files across. Nope. The phone is recognized as a USB device, but doesn't mount as a volume on the desktop. iSync sort of worked - it dumped a few random phone numbers on the phone with garbled names attached, but that wasn't too much of a problem, as my address book on my iBook is so out-of-date it's got Abraham Lincoln's IM name in it. The internet basically said that wasn't going to work, so I thought I should try the Bluetooth route.

I went to Argos and bought a cheapie Bluetooth-USB adaptor and plugged it in, thinking that that wouldn't work, but the little B logo appeared in the menu bar and the Bluetooth Set-up assistant did its thing. The iBook recognized the phone, the phone recognised the iBook, they paired up like Kylie and Jason, and everything seemed to be fine. And then I tried to send a file to the phone, but apparently the iBook was "Unable to Validate Device".

Bizarrely, I can send stuff from the phone to my iBook, but not the other way around...

No one on the internet seems to know the answer. I've even tried a program called Moto4Lin, which theoretically should allow access via a USB cable, but I keep getting a "phone is busy" error message (?).

And so the only way I can work out to get stuff onto my phone is by sticking it on the 'net and then using WAP to download it - at a cost.

And hence my "Gaaa!". But it's alright, 'cos my son Joseph has decided he'd like to eat my Bluetooth dongle...

Seasons Greetings! (aka My Favourite Present)

Hello, everyone! Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, and got whatever you wanted most from Father Christmas. I had a pretty good day, got lots of lovely presents, but I think my favourite has to be the first volume of The Complete Peanuts (1950-1952), given to me by my wonderful wife!

For those of you that haven't got a scooby (and I know there are some of you out there...), "Peanuts" was the daily comic strip created and drawn by Charles M. Schultz for over 50 years, which gave the world, Charlie Brown, Snoopy and Linus and Lucy. I've always been a huge fan of these strips, and have a collection of the old paperbacks (with huge gaps), but these books are truly wonderful. Every single strip is reproduced in this gorgeous hardback book with an introduction by Garrison Keillor, an in-depth essay on Schulz's career and an interview with the (late) creator. Also included is an index to each strip, so you can find out the first time that Charlie Brown wore his famous zig-zag shirt, or the first time Snoopy had a thought-bubble.

This is a fantastic book, but one that poses a bit of a problem... How the jig am I gonna afford the rest of the collection? Hmm, I may have to publish an Amozon wishlist here!

Phase Two Complete

Well, that took less time than I thought! All the old DirtyPopSlut blog posts are now here, all gathered together with Music label. Other labels, such as TV and Film are available, too, and when I get a chance I'll set up an image map for the site header so you'll be able to jump straight to those sections from any page.

It's funny looking back at all the old posts how some things have changed (eg. when Britney Spear's footwear was all she had to worry about), and my, ahem, predictions for new bands all went a bit pear-shaped (Oversol split up, The Modern have kind of stalled - only The Chalets show some signs of surviving - new album out in 2008 hopefully!), and the Adam and the Ants reunion didn't really happen. Oh well.

Now I've got to decide if I'm going to bring the Craig's Place posts back into the fold.

Go back... Way back... Back into time!

For those of you that have bothered to have a trawl through this new version of the kinkyMachine, you may come across some stuff which predates Blogger (and my iBook!) Yes, I've found the Wayback Machine at archive.org!

Rather scarily, most of my musings over the years have been collected by all the little web spiders and have been kept for posterity (if that's the right word!) I've skimmed off the choicest items and put them into blog posts as near to the correct date as possible, but feel free to have a poke around the archive. A lot of the pictures have gone, but there are still some bits and pieces floating around.

I may even get around to writing up some of the journals that i kept while i was in uni, so that'd be a bit scary to read now!

Phase One Complete

Well, that's all the old ScreenDump posts re-integrated into the new kinkyMachine, just got to free up a week or so to get all the DirtyPopSlut ones back into the fold. And it's not easy to do when your iBook's got a broken logic board, and the only way you can see the screen is by squeezing the case to the left of the trackpad (which kills your hand after a minute), or by hooking it up to a TV, which makes type quite tricky to read.

If only Blogger would come up with a merge blogs facility...

Oh well, time for bed!

All together again

So here we are, back with the new look kinkyMachine. The best posts from all my other blogs, and going forward, a whole new bunch of stuff. Basically, I just wanted a place to talk about all the good stuff in life; the best films, the best music, good food, great books, anything that tickles the taste-buds (or whatever sensory organ is appropriate...)

Stick around, it might be fun.

Update

Oh it's all been a bit quiet, hasn't it? The welcome message is still banging on about Big Brother 5, when Big Brother 6 is about to start! I'm sorry, if anyone out there is an avid KinkyMachine fan. I'm trying to work on a totally new design, a new concept, but it's not going very well.

You see, I've decided I want the site to be more about me, so that it'll be a place for me to put all my writing, my photographs and even, gulp, my music (which has already been converted into mp3s, so it's just a matter of time).

The trouble is, I can't quite get the layout right. I've got a lot of elements that I like, but they're just not hanging together properly, so it's getting quite frustrating. And then I've gone an overwritten the one bit of HTML and JavaScript that I liked and haven't got a copy, so I'll have to do that again. Bah!

On a different tangent, I've set up another blog purely for music (other people's, that is) over at DirtyPopSlut (deleted). Feel free to have a look and drop in a comment or two. There's links to mash-ups, dodgy remixes and iTunes goodies, so go and have a nose. It's only been up a day or so, so give it a chance. And if you want to be a fellow 'slut, then let me know.

Right, hopefully the new site will be up soon and this blog will remain (in content if not in design, so stick around!)

I could have guessed...

You are Schroeder!


Which Peanuts Character are You?
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Skype Me, Baby!

Skype me now!

You're probably saying, "eh?", so let me explain. Skype is this cool little program, that allows you to talk to people over the internet, with your voice and everything. And what's more, it's free! So, if you go to www.skype.com, you can download it, and then you can chat to me by clicking here: Hello!

On the kinkyStereo today: Garbage by Garbage

Happy St. George's Day!

Well, yes, I'm very pround to be English, so I don't feel it's a bad thing to celebrate St. George's Day. If the Irish can celebrate St. Patrick's Day in every single corner of the known universe (especially in the US, where of course, every single person is Irish!), then why can't we celebrate our own patron saint? So get your flags out and celebrate! (Drinking warm beer is obviously optional, and we don't condone that sort of thing here!)

Karma (Again!)

See, exactly my point. On Wednesday I went to see Duran Duran. Good Karma.

On Wednesday, Caron Keating died. Bad Karma.

On Wednesday, I found out that Disney were bringing out a film based on Chicken Licken. Not much harm in that, you might think, but me and a couple of hugely talented friends were just about to start work on our own Chicken Licken film. I'd written the script, and they were getting all geared up to start the artwork and pre-production. Bad Karma.

Do they balance out, do you think?

Happy Birthday to Me!

I'd just like to say a big thank-you to everyone for all the cards and presents for my birthday. I'll still accept them if you haven't sent any already! We had a really good night at D-Tapas in Chelmsford last night, and it was really good to see everyone again.

It's still quite strange to see the number 30 on all the cards. I'm not sure I'm ready for all that grown-up business! Still, I'm sure I'll get over it.

Three Nights in Lyon and the Great Question of Karmic Balance...

So there we were, at half past six in the morning in Terminal 2 of Heathrow, having got up at stupid o'clock to get there. I needed some credit for my mobile, so I went into Boots to get a e-top up thingy for £20. The girls swiped the card and then my debit card. She gave me my receipt and I walked off while The Wife got credit for her phone. And then she said that my credit hadn't gone through, so she gave me back £20 in cash, and to try again later. The Wife got her credit without problem, so we went off to check in. And then I checked my balance and found the credit had gone through. So then you're faced with the big dilemma aren't you? Do you fess up, or do you just slink off and hope no-one realises? Well, as you can imagine, we scarpered off through check-in!

Lyon is gorgeous (once we'd worked out where the hotel was - it comes in handy that The Wife is fluent in French, and likes talking to Gendarmes...). I might upload some of the pictures I took if I can do it easily... BTW Photoshop Elements Panorama generator is pretty darn cool...

The food in Lyon is... unique. For some reason, they seem to like eating the parts of animals that other people think are best left to the actual animal - ie. internal organs, heads, feet... One night we decided to try some of the more palateable stuff. I had snails to start - they're not actually bad. All I could really taste was garlic and parsley. And then I had this sausage thing called andouiette, which is made up from suspect bits of pork, and tastes pretty good, once you get past the smell when you cut into it... Boiled cabbage, or something a touch more... flatulent. Still, it's all covered in a delicious creamy mustard sauce, and we ate like pigs.

We also discovered the delights of kirs - creme de cassis and white wine. So, as you can imagine, we HAD to buy a bottle of cassis to bring home. And the karmic balance of the universe swung our way again. The cassis cost about 12 euro (still keep calling them francs, but then so did most of the people in Lyon. I suppose we'd still say 5 quid if we had to join the euro-zone), and we paid with a 20 euro note... and then got about 12 euros change. Wahay!

It rained all day on the Sunday, and snowed on the Monday, so I suppose the karmic balance swung back the other way. Oh well, you can't have it all!

Thoughts on Turning Thirty

Yes, it's true. The big 3-0 approaches in less than three weeks. I can't say I'm that bothered, I just can't believe I've been on the planet that long! I mean, I kind of thought I'd have everything sorted by the time I was thirty, and I now feel that I've only just got started. Still, I've always felt that my life would get on the right track in my thirties, that I wasn't really cut out to be a teenager or a twentysomething, so I'll have to wait and see!

Everyone keeps asking me what I want, but I haven't really got a clue. I'm hoping to start an iPod fund (I'll settle for a mini), but I think people want to buy me a "proper" present. And then they get annoyed when I can't tell them what I want. I've vaguely said that I want some "art", but don't really know what that means. Some big framed movie posters would be cool - like old French movies, or classic Sci-Fi - Metropolis would be excellent. I'd also like weird sculpture-type things. I suppose art is a bit of a unique taste thing so I'm not really surprised people don't know what to get me. I've got a wish-list on Amazon.co.uk, so if you really want to get me something, you might get some ideas there.

Went to see Bird with a Pearl Necklace this weekend. Oh, wait, that's not the title, is it? (Though there'll hopefully be the porno version out soon!) Well, I'd been hogging the cinema choices recently (2 lots of The Matrix and LOTR:ROTK) and The Wife was getting a bit miffed. She'd read the book last year and loved it, and Colin "Britches" Firth was in it, so I agreed to go with her (not because Mr. Firth was in it, but in the spirit of marital harmony).

So anyway, I thought it was pretty good. It looked fantastic, and Scarlett Johansson was fabulous (and damn good looking too). I felt that it could have been a bit more erotic, but The Wife said that I was wrong. And I probably was. I just felt the sexual tension could have been more... tense. And will someone tell me what else Cillian Murphy has been in?

The New and Improved kinkyMachine

Look, one day I will stop arseing around with the design and actually write something. Just not today.

And yes, I do know this Blog isn't formatted the same as the rest of the site. I'm working on it.

It's just that I've nearly finished Ratchet and Clank. I highly recommend it to you if you are in posession of a PS2. It is so choice.

Happy New Year!

As I didn't get around to wishing you all a Merry Christmas (how was it for you?) then I thought I'd get ahead of the game and wish you all a very mellow, laid-back and prosperous New Year.

Take care of yourselves... and each other.

Craig

Googlewhacking!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we got one!

My first Googlewhack: blastula victimhood.

I'm so proud...

BTW a Googlewhack is two words that, when entered into Google, return exactly one result. It's become something of a sport, and Dave Gorman has even done a show about it (with book to follow shortly, I believe.)

Googlewhacking: The Search for The One True Googlewhack

What's Going On?

Hey kids, I'll bet you're all wondering what's going on with the old kinkyMachine site. Well, as I seem to be getting the hang of this web-design lark, I thought I'd put out a few feelers to see if I can do some sites for other people, 'cos I'm running out of ideas.

Well, actually that's not true - I've just started work on a huge Jean Michel Jarre site, and I've just published a new top-secret site (which you'll have to find for yourself (if you can!)), so I've got loads to be going on with, but I want to do this full-time, so I need to get the ball rolling, and find people to offer me work - I'm also undergoing a bit of guerilla design for a company that needs a new website but don't know it yet!

So, the upshot of all this is that the "original" kinkyMachine site has been shuffled off into a subdirectory and replaced with the all new kinkyMachine Web Designs with a spiffy (if I do say so myself) new logo.

But don't worry, all the usual crap will still be here, just maybe not updated as often as possible. I'm also going to revamp the KinkyBabes section, hopefully making it more slimline. Votes for the next babe in to me ASAP (or it's going to be Angelina Jolie!)

I decided to decorate (again!)

I've moved some stuff around, gave other bits a lick of paint, brought some other bits back down from the loft, and sprayed around with some air freshener (honeysuckle, don't you know!) and generally arsed around with it all. Some of this what I'm writing here may not make much sense, 'cos I'm working 6-day weeks at the moment and I'm bloody knackered! (Job offers gladly welcomed!)

Not really too much to say, I'm afraid. Continuing on from last update's cancellation of Farscape (season 4 starting on Sci-Fi on May 18th), it has been confirmed that Buffy the Vampire Slayer is going to end at the end of this season. Now, while I think Buffy is the best show that has been on TV for a long time, I think it's right that it ends now. If it goes on any more then I think it'll become stale. It looks like it'll be going out with a bang though.... And hopefully Angel will be continuing for a while (even though that all seems to be going to hell in a handcart at the moment!)

Also this update, the return (sort of) of the recommendations and the Hall of Fame, lovingly squashed together in the new We Love... section. Who knows, I might even put some new stuff in there one day!

Right, don't go starting any wars (or liberations, or regieme changes, or whatever) and take care out there!

Laters!

Hey everybody! How's it going out there?

The more astute of you will have noticed that this site was actually updated a few weeks ago, but I didn't get around to changing this welcome message. Well, I have now, so stop whingeing (not that any of you have. Are you still out there? I can hear you breathing....!)

So, after 4 years, Farscape has been cancelled, because it's not getting the viewers and it cost too much to make. I think this is a real pity, because it was one of the most innovative shows on TV. On first glance it may not look like it - Buck Rogers meets Blake's 7 meets the Muppets may be the high concept definition, but it certainly became more than the sum of its parts. I urge you all to watch the final season on BBC2 on Mondays (I'll try and remember, but keep forgetting!) or season 3 on Sci-Fi on Sundays (and some other time during the week too). You never know, it may get a last minute reprieve, but I doubt it. So farewell John, Aeryn, D'Argo, Chiana, Rygel and all the others. We'll miss you.

I can't believe Christmas is just around the corner (2 months away at the time of writing). It doesn't seem that long ago that we were putting all the decorations away! And what the frell happened to summer? I'm still waiting for it to get warm! Ho hum, still, there's plenty of new stuff to keep us all busy in the dark evenings - Attack of the Clones and Spider-Man on DVD, plus TV will start to get better soon, but we have to wait until January before we get new Buffy, Angel and Enterprise on Sky. Boo. But, considering the way things go, the next time I'll update this site, we'll be well into 2003!

Right, I'm going now. Adios Amoebas!

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the kinkyMachine?

I'm glad you asked that. Well, the kinkyMachine is a website, chock full of stuff that interests me, that irritates me, that excites me and makes me laugh. It's also a place where like-minded and bloody-minded people can have a scrap. Feel free to contribute anything you want to the kinkyMachine.

How do I do that then?

Send me an e-mail! That's the quickest and easiest way.

Where did the name kinkyMachine come from?

Well, that's kind of a strange tale. When I signed up with FreeNetName they gave me a free domain name, so I had to think one up quite quickly. I'm a big Jean-Michel Jarre fan, and he recorded a track called "Erosmachine" (only available on bootleg CD now) which I thought was a cool name, but I didn't want to rip it off directly. Long time viewers will know that this started off as a fetish website (another of my, ahem, interests!), so I wanted something to suggest that - and so kinkyMachine was born! Only later, when I typed the word into Google, did I find out about kinkymachine.com (a really quite rude, but cool website) and the fact that there was an early nineties band with the same name. So there you go. Totally unoriginal, as it turns out, but I thought it was cool. I still do, so there!

Um, who the heck are you, anyway?

Who, me? Oh, well, my name is Craig Stevens, I was born in Chatham, Kent on 25th February, 1974, so feel free to send cards and presents at the appropriate time of year (heck, send them all year!) After living in Kuwait for three years (1980-83) I went to King's School, Rochester for the next nine years where people tried to teach me Latin, where I totally lost the ability to speak to girls and suffered a case of mistaken identity involving the "A" team for Rugby (they thought I was someone who wanted to get his head stamped on at every opportunity and I didn't!) After all that, I went to the University of Wales in Swansea where I studied American Studies and English. There I relentlessly pursued most available (and unavailable) females in the first year, for which I would like to apologise! In my third year I went to Northern Arizona University, where I shared a room with three other guys (one of which could watch a whole episode of The Simpsons without cracking a smile, and then say afterwards how funny it was - go figure!) After that I came back to Swansea for my final year, spent most of it in my room with my girlfriend Emma (ah, those were the days...!), managed to get a degree without really breaking into a sweat, and found myself unemployed for six months. Then the fickle finger of fate pointed itself at me and I found myself with a Christmas job at D-D-Dixons. Things transpired, as they do, and I found myself on their graduate development programme. After five years, I realised that I was fed up with going nowhere fast, and being shouted at everyday just because someone didn't get their dishwasher (ever heard of Fairy liquid?), and so I 've got myself a job as manager of a bookshop in Harlow. Which is nice. In the meantime, I bought a house with Emma in Chelmsford, and we got married in August 1999. Which is even nicer. If you want to know more about me and my life, then you must be quite sad or an obsessive stalker. Either way, hello!

Tribute to an Amiga 1200

It was a cold and dark night in Swansea in 1995, when I received my new Amiga. My previous A1200, on which many essays had been written, and countless campaigns against the Kilrathi had been fought (as well as umpteen trips around the galaxy, starting from Lave), had died earlier that year. It seems that the standard power supply with the Amiga couldn't handle expansion devices and so on, and had given up the ghost after randomly turning itself off, and trashing the hard disk in the process.

So, now armed with a new A1200, supplied by Escom (then owners of the company), a dedicated monitor (no TVs any more!) and a super huge power supply, me and my Amiga set out to conquer the world (much to the chagrin of my then girlfriend Emma, who often had to lure me away... but I digress!). Many campaigns of Civilization were fought (into the early hours) and, with the aid of a CD-ROM drive (that often went wrong too) a huge new world was opened to me.

Fast-forward on a few years, and I managed to get a dirt-cheap modem from work, and finally we had made it onto the internet. They said it couldn't be done (well, those people who hadn't seen an Amiga since an A500), but there we were, surfing the web, e-mailing, on-line shopping, etc. I suppose that was about three years ago now, and unfortunatley, the world is marching on too fast for my poor old girl now. All these websites seem to want you to have Flash or JavaScript routines that work 100%, and the software just can't handle it now.

I could upgrade, I know, but I would be throwing money away on a computer that was designed nearly ten years ago, and it's not worth it. I want to be able to use chat-rooms, play games on the net and watch the latest film-trailers. Don't worry, I haven't sold my soul to the devil and his underling Bill Gates, I would never do that. I plan to get a spangly new iBook (even though it chafes to use things like Outlook Express, and Word!), and update this website to bring it into the 21st century.

Frankly, the jump will be a huge one. I've been looking at various Mac magazines and their reviews, and it's making my mind boggle. I suppose I've never really thought how big the gap between my Amiga and a modern computer is. Just look at these differences:

Feature	iBook DVD	Amiga A1200
Processor	G3 500MHz	68030 50MHz
Cache	256K	Eh?
RAM	128Mb	2Mb Chip & 8Mb Fast
Hard Disk	10 Gb	170 Mb
Optical Drive	DVD-ROM	None, can add CD-ROM
Ports	2xUSB, 1xFireWire, 1xEthernet, AV	Serial, Parallel, PCMCIA
On Screen Colours	At least 32,000 (I think)	32 (Can push it up to 128, but it won't do anything else - at 64 it falls over a lot!)

And that's just scratching the surface! Thirteen times the memory! God knows how much more hard disk space! I had palpitations when I saw that a scanner software for the Mac was looking like it was going to take 20Mb up! My brain can't handle those kind of figures!

It's going to be a hard thing to get used to a whole new operating system. I'm sure I'll say things like "Oh, I used to be able to do that on my Miggy", or "I don't like the way that works on this Mac", but after a while, I'm sure it'll be more like, "Wow, I couldn't do that on my Amiga" or, "Oh, so that's what it's supposed to look like!"

Still, that's progress for you. Amiga may bounce back with some new super operating system, like they say they're going to, but I don't think anyone's holding their breath. If and when it comes, it will have to be judged on its merits and where it is in the market place.

Farewell, my old friend. You've been a great help over the years, but I can't play with you when I'm lying in bed. ;-)

---

Craig's Amiga will shortly be retired to the loft, where it will live with his CD32. Craig's past computers have included the Acorn Electron and the Amstrad PC1512. Don't laugh.

Blah, blah blah, yaketty-schmaketty!

Hey ho, everybody! Yep, back again with an update!

Got rid of some stuff, such as the guestbook, cos no one was using it, and the archive, because it was pointless. (BTW, thank you for voting in the logo opinion poll, Dan (of Dan and Milanie fame) - sorry I couldn't contact you direct, but your e-mail address seemed to be wrong! D'oh!)

Actually, this update is something special. This will probably be the last time that I publish stuff created soley on my Amiga. Yes, the old girl is finally going into retirement. She was bought in late 1995, to replace the A1200 I had that contracted a nasty power spike which trashed the hard drive (d'oh!). But now, the time has come to upgrade my computer system to fully embrace the wonders of full, working JavaScript, Flash, RealAudio, MP3s, QuickTime (Yes, I know you can do some of these on an Amiga, but have you tried?) So, in a few weeks time, I should have a shiny bright iBook (yum!), so expect the next update to be a little bit more... spangly! In the meantime, I've created a tribute to my Amiga. (No flowers, please, just donations!)

Right, as usual I'm outta here! Remember, if you want to know when this site gets updated, then join the kinkymachine2001 group - just click on the link to the left for more info! Take part in the important burger survey on-line! Your vote counts!

Byeeeeee!

Morning Everybody and Welcome to kinkyMachine!

Ah, a new year and more new stuff from the kinkyMachine (you can hardly believe your eyes, can you? Thought not!). Well, I hope you are all keeping well, whoever you are. I can't believe this site is getting nearly 30 hits a week - there must be people out there who like what we're doing here. If you are then tell us about yourselves - who you are, where you come from, whether you eat your burger first, then the fries, or the fries first then the burger, or perhaps (gasp...) both at the same time. It's important you know. I may even have to set up a survey. But I'm rambling on here....

Big news this update is that kinkyMachine has become an Amazon.co.uk Associate. This means we get to put banners and things all over the site, and if someone buys something via this site, then we get a percentage of the sale. Wahey! To celebrate, we've designed a new section of the kinkyMachine where we recommend books, videos, CDs and so on, and you can buy them direct from Amazon.co.uk. Everyone's happy! If you have a recommendation, then let us know and we'll include it in a future update.

Congratulations to Atomic Kitten for their ground-breaking stay at Number 1 in the UK singles chart - "Whole Again" is the biggest selling single so far this year. We here at the kinkyMachine had adopted the little Kits - mainly because we felt they were having a damn good stab at this pop malarky and getting nowhere - and we thought they never would.... (If we ever give out betting tips on this site - IGNORE THEM!) So, in honour of the Kits success, we have nominated them to enter the kinkyMachine Hall of Fame. Hurrah!

Well, that's enough of my witterings for the moment. Keep in touch, everyone, and I'll see you around!

What is the kinkyMachine?

The kinkyMachine is many things to many people. Fundamentally, it's this website, that you're looking at now. On the other hand, it's me, Craig Stevens, the editor/creator. On the third hand it's my trusty (if cantankerous) Amiga 1200. On the fourth hand, it's you, the contributors. So, let's look at these individually, shall we children?

• The Website
  
  
  • A source of information and entertainment, scoured from across the internet and collected in a neat package. The domain name and webspace are provided by FreeNetName completely free of charge. Aren't I lucky? Go see them now if you want a free domain name.
  
  
• The Editor
  
  
  • Craig Stevens was born 26 years ago, in Chatham in Kent, but he hasn't let that get him down. After sleeping through a degree in American Studies and English in the sunny city of Swansea, he married his girlfriend, Emma, moved to Chelmsford and started working for Currys as a deputy manager. He's still there.
    
  • He started the KinkyMachine as a way to see if there was much to all this internet lark. Relying on his Amiga 1200, and various bits of software to get him going (see below), it's a wonder it's still going strong. Originally conceived in 1999 as a fetish-fest website and picture gallery, Craig realised it was a bit boring and possibly not to everyone's taste. So he furrowed his brow, put out a call to arms (which not many have so far heeded - bah!) and came up with the site as it is now.
    
  • Craig would like to grow plants, but forgets they need water and attention. He'd also like to write a completed novel, but forgets they need time and concentration.
  
  
• The Hardware
  
  
  • Amiga 1200 (Escom Version - boo!)
    
  • Blizzard 1230-IV 68030 accelerator board with an extra 8Mb of RAM
    
  • Diamond SupraExpress 336 v+ Modem
    
  • Trust 80w Speakers
    
  • Canon BJ-200ex printer
    
  • CTX 15" Colour Monitor
    
  • A Desk from MFI
  
  
• The Software
  
  
  • Voyager 3.0
    
  • YAM
    
  • Miami
    
  • Personal Paint
    
  • Photogenics
    
  • WordWorth
    
  • Workbench 3.1 (My CD-ROM Drive's knackered, or I'd have upgraded to 3.5)
    
  • Other bits to numerous to mention
  
  
• The Contributors
  
  
  • Send me some stuff, and include a little bio, and see your name here! Exciting, huh?