Britney Spears - oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...

Now some of you may have noticed the "pop sensation" that is Miss Britney Spears, who has taken the music world by storm over the last year. In the past, Britney has set herself up as some sort of Lolita-esque figure - who could forget the school-uniform of her first single or the stunning red and black PVC combo of "Born to Make You Happy"?

Now, as you may know, the young lady has a new single out, called "Oops, I Did It Again...", and those of you with access to the myriad permutations of MTV on Sky (or if you just love Saturday morning kids TV) will have seen the video to this single.

For those that haven't, let me summarize. A dashing astronaut flies off to Mars and encounters our Brit who has seemingly set herself up a Queen of Mars (or something). So far so good (though what it's got to do with the song is anybody's guess - and what is that Titanic bit all about?), but my major problem is with the young lady's outfit. She's wearing a red latex catsuit.

"Now what's wrong with that, Craig?" I hear you ask. "You're a purveyor of all things kinky, aren't you?"

Yes I am, but I also believe in style. Miss Spears has chosen to wear an item of provocative clothing, but YOU CAN'T WEAR A CATSUIT WITH FLARED LEGS AND (wait for it...) BLACK TRAINERS!! It's positively criminal! Okay, so you can't exactly dance easily in 4-inch high stilletto knee-high boots, but black trainers, for heavens sake!

I do have to say, though, that the other outfits she wears in the video are much better, and show signs of improvement. So, Britney, sort it out! If you are going to be a kinky sex-kitten, then do it right. Get the boots, get the catsuits, sack your stylist and do the job properly!

And don't get me started on Steps...

J.F.O. - Gail Porter

This is a new bit designed to let you get something off your chest. If someone really annoys you by their mere presence on this planet, then vent your spleen here.
In the first of our new series, J.F.O. (Just F*** Off) the first person to come under the hammer is the "wee" Scottish person called Gail Porter, who has somehow managed to infiltrate the nation's TV sets and crops up on every bloody TV programme that she can (still waiting for her Through the Keyhole debut though). From the early morning Big Breakfast to Top of the Pops and through to dotcomedy, we all have to put up with her huge eyes that look as if they're going to pop any second, her annoying twee Scottish accent, and her "aren't I cute and wee and funny?"

NO, YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE BLOODY ANNOYING! GO AWAY!

And it's not as if you can get away from here by reading a magazine. There she is, either in FHM, Maxim, Loaded or all three! And so much for her final nude photo shoot that appeared last year - she's only gone and stripped off again recently. KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON WOMAN, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

And did projecting a huge photo of her on the House of Commons really shift more copies of FHM? - I don't think so. The whole country just thought, "Oh God, it's Gail Porter without her clothes again!" and turned off the TV.

And cutting her hair didn't help improve her image at all. It just made her look even more like an annoying pixie, that you wish would just fall back down the wishing well.

So, Miss Gail Porter, J.F.O.!!

Hall of Fame: Lolo Ferrari

This is the section of the kinkyMachine that celebrates, the weird, the wild and the downright peculiar. People or institutions that have stuck two fingers up at the establishment and said, "No! Cheese, peanut butter and jam is a perfectly sane sandwich filling! So there!"

We are also pleased to announce that Lolo Ferrari is the inaugural member of the kinkyMachine Hall of Fame - an award dedicated to those that exceed the boundaries of everyday life and push the limits of the unusual.

Regular viewers of Channel 4's Eurotrash were no doubt saddened to hear of the untimely death of one of the programme's presenters, Miss Lolo Ferrari. Lolo first came to the world's attention at the Cannes Film Festival in May 1995, where she unleashed her charms (namely her reported 71 inch breasts) on an unsuspecting public.

From that point on, she became a celebrated feature on Eurotrash, which followed her career, including her single "Airbag Generation", and a film called Camping Cosmos (kind of a European "Carry On..." - shudder!) She was perhaps best known on the show for her section "Lolopops", where she reviewed the latest Euro pop "sensations", as well as the sublime "Look at Lolo" where the show focused on Lolo performing a number of activities, such as hula-hooping, with a couple of chums.

Always striving to alter her appearances (some reports say that she was a very troubled person who suffered from "body morphic" disorder which prevents people from seeing themselves as they really are), she allegedly underwent 22 operations on her body, especially her face and breasts. There was a rumour that her final implants were designed by a Boeing engineer to withstand the pressures of air-travel.

Although she was a product of the image-obsessed nineties, she had many fans across the world, especially Germany and Austria (where they probably bought most of her records too!) We here at the KinkyMachine salute you, Lolo, and we hope you find the peace (and the perfect body you so desired) wherever you are now.